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No matter how well you think you know New York,
there's always somewhere or someone new to discover.
I was on my second date with Ray King, who lived in Queens.
It felt like our fourth as we'd been to three jazz clubs in one night.
I can't sing but I can chop.
- Where does one learn this skill? - Jersey Shore.
- That's where you're from? - Listen.
This lick right here is why I wanted to play the bass.
Man! How about that?
Jesus, that's sweet. Listen to that again.
How about that?
This might be a good time to tell you. I don't like jazz.
Why would you say something like that?
You can't follow it and there's no melody.
It's all over the place.
You've got to stop trying to make it be something else
and appreciate it for what it is. I wish I had my bass.
Come here. You be the bass.
Don't I have to be in the Musicians Union?
- You play all those instruments? - I learn a few notes,
I get bored, I move on. Listen to the bass.
The beauty of jazz is that it can go anywhere.
It can go from here...
...to here...
...to here.
It was then I started to appreciate a little type of music
we call jazz.
- What did you do last night, Carrie? - I listened to jazz.
What is so funny about jazz?
Here it is.
Last night, with Ray, I had...
...the most intense orgasm of my entire life.
I did my laundry. Continue.
It doesn't make sense. We've only been on two dates.
- Yet you had sex with him. - Can we let Carrie talk about the sex?
The mind-blowing sex.
I realise that this next statement makes me a bit of a freak,
but I usually have to be in love with someone to have such an orgasm.
- You should see someone about that. - What the hell is going on?
- Maybe Ray is the one. - Your clitoris thinks so.
It was probably a fluke. I'm going back tomorrow to find out.
- l, on the other hand, am on strike. - What does that mean?
I'm not having any more sex.
That's a slump.
It might have started as one, but I'm in control now.
I refuse to have sex until conditions improve.
How many people will be affected?
So far just the one, but I'm optimistic.
I can't go on any more bad dates!
I'd rather be home alone than out with a guy who sells socks on the lnternet.
I'm dating someone.
- Someone I actually like. - Good!
Maria.
My Maria, from the gallery?
She's my Maria now. We're having a relationship.
Yes, ladies. I'm a lesbian.
Wait a second! You're in a relationship?
She just walked in so get those looks off your faces.
- You know Charlotte. - Sure.
- And this is Carrie and Miranda. - Really good to see you!
I see you told them.
How does that work? You wake up one morning, and you're a lesbian?
I forgot to tell you. I'm a fire hydrant!
I'm a shoe. I always wanted to be one and now I am.
She's not a lesbian. She just ran out of men.
Then you go on strike, you don't eat pussy!
Did you just say, "eat pussy"?
I did, but just for emphasis.
The truly amazing thing is I had the news tonight!
- I had the most intense... - Mind-blowing was the word.
...orgasm of my life and Samantha still managed to up-sex me.
They met at my gallery. I introduced them.
You're a pimp.
Later, inspired by Samantha's exploration of new territory,
Charlotte felt it was time to conquer some old territory:
the bed, where she and Trey had so much trouble as man and wife.
Here we are.
Shall we have a glass of wine first?
- I'm fine, unless you... - No, no. I'm OK.
If you don't feel ready...
Just because she was on strike didn't mean she had to do without.
And Miranda discovered the perfect relationship.
Jon Stewart and chocolate éclairs.
Charlotte and Trey enjoyed a sweet ending to their evening as well.
Not bad, huh?
That was almost mind-blowing.
Charlotte was relieved. Now they had fixed the bedroom problem,
she was ready to move back in to the other rooms as well.
So, what are you thinking?
I'm thinking I've never seen my John Thomas so hard.
At times I felt like it was going to rocket right off.
- What were you thinking? - I don't know.
Should l...?
Do you...?
- Are we ready to...? - Go again?
Houston, we don't have a problem.
Three, two, one, blast-off!
- Who is it? - It's Ray.
Hi, come on up.
Shit.
Did you and the girls run down the street talking about me?
- Maybe. - How many blocks?
- Two. OK, nine. - Honestly, I'm a little hurt.
After all the hours I've listened to you talk about your relationships.
- You do that? - I make the courtesy call!
"Do you think you love him?"
You just caught us off guard with the lesbian thing.
- It's a label, like Gucci or Versace. - Or Birkenstock.
It's not about being gay or straight. Maria is an incredible woman.
She's got passion, talent,
- intelligence... - A vagina.
Vagina schmagina.
Schmagina? Is that what lesbians are calling it?
- We haven't even had sex yet. - You really are in a relationship.
Yes, I am, Carrie. Life is not all about sex.
Tell that to her schmagina.
I want a bourbon and I want to go down on you.
Not necessarily in that order.
I really want it to be special the first time.
I'm sure that it will be special.
I'm sure it will be special.
- Because... - Is Ray there?
No, no, Samantha. I'm listening. I'm listening.
I thought about what Samantha said.
She wasn't having sex as she wanted a relationship.
I hoped mind-blowing sex would become a relationship.
We've got a relationship without sex and sex without a relationship.
Which had a better shot at survival?
I had to wonder. What comes first: the chicken or the sex?
That night, I decided to really talk to Ray.
We needed to catch the relationship up to the sex.
That was the plan.
Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait!
I asked you a question. Where did you go to school?
All over.
Freckles on the legs. Nothing wrong with that!
It was my best relationship ever.
Over at Casa de Lesbo...
That coq au vin was amazing.
You can paint, you can cook, you can do everything.
But you brought the most incredible dessert.
A bite.
Samantha decided if she was going to be gay,
she'd be gay all the way.
I might not be much in the kitchen,
but I'm more than enough in the bedroom.
Samantha... It's not really working for me.
It was a phrase Samantha had never heard in bed before.
Honey, I've never gotten any complaints from the men.
Well, men.
I want you to look at me,
connect with me.
This is lovemaking.
It's not a porno flick.
I want to show you. I'm going to lay down,
and I want you to look at my buceta.
It's a Portuguese word for pussy.
Miranda, still off sex and on chocolate,
couldn't order the seven éclairs she wanted so she asked for just one.
One cake, please. Which do you recommend?
The Louvre, Monsieur Payard's signature chocolate cake.
Sold.
- That'll be 74.50. - As in 74 dollars and 50 cents?
Yes.
Miranda decided she didn't need a cake that badly.
Especially when she could make one for under $5.
Every once in a while, a girl has to indulge herself.
- Trey, I'm on the mallard! - What? Sorry.
He hasn't asked me to move back.
We make love all over the apartment then I get a cab home like some hooker!
- Can't you bring it up? - No! The penis works now,
I don't want to scare it.
Why can't I have the relationship and the sex?
Where's the lesbian du jour?
When she gets here, we have to talk about her relationship.
She wants us to take it seriously.
It isn't a relationship. She's doing it to bug us.
I don't know. They haven't had sex yet.
- She wants it to be special. - Really?
This is the healthiest thing Samantha's done in a long time.
Does anybody want to split the chocolate pudding?
Morning, ladies!
Tell us about the relationship. How are things going?
Did you know that when a vagina gets engorged,
it expands to the size of a fist? It's like a fabulous cave!
- I guess they've had sex. - Apparently so.
- We have three holes down there! - Enough about your relationship.
There are places a dick just can't go!
Some dicks manage just fine.
- Maria has ten dicks. - For the record, you started this.
I am sorry, but a finger is not a dick.
It's more like a third of a dick.
Technically, Maria has three and a third dicks.
I can tell you right now. This...
...is not the same as this.
Put that away.
I'm just saying size has nothing to do with it.
- What's happening to you? - I'm getting an education!
I know all there is to know about the glorious buceta.
That's Portuguese for pussy.
Buceta, schmagina, let's call the whole thing off.
The most important thing is that Maria has taught me to connect during sex.
It's not just some animal act.
It's about two people, making love.
I couldn't pick a shirt. Come in.
I'm making margaritas.
Look what I bought today. My first jazz CD.
You've got to hear that on vinyl.
Wait, Ray.
Ray! Stop!
Don't play anything. Don't scat, don't chop, don't blend.
Could we just sit and talk for a while?
The gotta-talk girl.
You're thinking, "Where's this going?"
I'm not that girl. I'm not any girl.
I just want to talk.
You know, talk.
Where are you from? You said something about the Jersey Shores.
I spent a couple of summers there. Used to go skeet shooting with my buddies.
- On the Jersey Shore? - Upstate New York. And pull!
Why no skeet in the city? I love the skeet!
I should open one in New York.
Canned corn. When did you last have that? It sounds good.
- You hungry? - No, because...
I had a potpie in Vegas once, loaded with corn.
As Ray talked, I realised he wasn't spontaneous
and unpredictable and thrilling.
He was a guy with ADD.
What relationship could I have with a guy I couldn't talk to?
I'd have to end it.
You like pies?
Want to play me?
Eventually.
Meanwhile, uptown,
Trey had one last chance to ask Charlotte to move in.
I'm just going to say it.
Next time I'm hard, would you consider measuring my John Thomas?
What? No!
I understand. It's juvenile, I know,
but I've just never seen it like this.
I'm taking a shower.
Charlotte never cared much about penises
and now a penis was running her life.
Forget it.
As Charlotte lathered up, she started to get lathered up.
Who did he think he was? They were husband and wife.
What the hell was going on in this nightmare?
I am tired of being married to your penis!
I am a person! This should be a relationship!
I am done walking on eggshells!
Don't talk about moving in in front of the penis, it might go soft!
The penis likes this but not that, and the penis wants to be measured!
- It was just a thought. - Here's another.
- Shove this marriage up your ass! - Charlotte, don't go.
I'm going home to my apartment, where I have a lease.
I hope that you and your penis have a very lovely night!
Meanwhile, Miranda was getting fed up as well, with herself.
Hi, it's me. Leave a message.
I know you're probably busy having mind-blowing sex now,
but I feel you need to know your friend Miranda Hobbes
has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage and eaten it.
You'll need this information when you check me into the Betty Crocker Clinic.
That night, Miranda realised she'd used chocolate as a substitute for sex
and now she needed a substitute for chocolate.
The strike was officially over.
That's perfect!
Just when she thought she knew everything about women...
...Samantha caused the very elusive female ejaculation.
- Was that good or bad? - That was very...
...good.
Samantha got the relationship and the sex.
In fact, a little more sex than she'd expected.
I want some water. You want some water?
Be right back.
Next morning, I had a new thought.
Maybe Ray was like jazz. Instead of making him be something else,
I needed to appreciate him for what he was:
truly mind-blowing sex.
Unfortunately, I got the feeling Ray had stopped playing me
and moved on to another instrument.
- Morning, ma'am. - Morning.
You left something at my...
At the apartment.
Charlotte, I want you to move back in
and get rid of this old apartment.
And stay all night, every night.
And wake up next to me every morning and be my wife.
You do?
I talked it over with my penis, and we both agree.
I don't want to lose you again.
Charlotte York MacDougal...
...will you remarry me?
Yes, Trey MacDougal. I will remarry you.
Walking home from ADD, Another Dating Disaster,
I worried that there's a reason it's called mind-blowing sex.
Maybe that physical connection obliterates any intellectual one,
or maybe it's possible to find both.
That's what I was hoping because great sex is great,
but I still like a song with a melody I can sing to.
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